Mass suicide

i was horrified

know what happened?? i bought 10 fishes for my practicum exams.
there were beautiful and i adored them. grey-silky and small.
but 2 died. i was horrified. i dare not look at them. and my
stupid husband is not sympathetic at all!!! he is sympathetic to the
fishes but not me! he was angry that i didnt take care of the fishes.
i did, i swear. i went to the aquarium shop, talked to the fella,
learnt to add salt to the water, oxydise the water for over a day before
i brought the fishes home. crushed those too big pellets, bought smaller
pellets to feed them. they were fine and settling down but i couldnt stand
the sight of any fish swaying a little or tilting to the side. one of them
was tilting for 4 days and every day i prayed for it to get well.
there am i conquering my fear and taking care of them.
we even bought a side-table just to put the fish tank.
then one day, all was well and fine and alive and lively.
i was happy. i talked to them and they were also happy.
i told them that they were really beautiful eventhough they are sometimes
being bought as food for arawanas (cos they're cheap, 80 cents)
but the water was too cloudy. so i went to the shop to ask how to
change water. he said change only half a tank. add one tablespoon of salt.
i did that and ALL fucking fishes died! i am traumatized. i can back to
see 8 dead bodies. i am so fucking dead.
i cant see dead things, i'll feel so sad i'll cry. and fishes especially?
their eyes are like starring at you. they died peaceless. is it mad to think like that?
i always feel so terrified to think that they are catching their last breath.
like gasping for air.

sometimes, even if you did everything right, it'll still be wrong. it is not up to us i guess.

my BD came and went.
i used to feel very lousy about myself generally and especially harsh and critical of myself during my BD period. i would say that i was fat, useless, underachiever, blah blah blah and that i was doom.

i am glad im over it. i have learned to love myself.
you know, whatever you think of yourself, it's true.

i cant begin to tell you what kind of transformation ive had but ive had.
so ya, sometimes im still jackle and hyde. sometimes the darker side gets a hold of me. but you know what? i know and have finally got the wisdom to tell them apart. to know when i am up, when i am down, i know what triggers me, what motivates me, and mainly, it is both all about me and not about me all the time. i know i get angry, i know i have enormous capacity for love. in fact, infinte love.

do you know how i live? once, someone asked me to do "death meditation"
i said what's that?
he said, pretend that today is the last day of your life. what are you gonna do?
i didnt do the death meditation as suggested but i did work backwards.
i thought to myself, who are the people who will be at my funeral? what will be said at my funeral? how much joy have i added to their lives? have i significantly helped someone in their lives? i want them to celebrate, and to rejoice my existance and to live their own lives as they wish. i want them to be happy to have known me. and cry only for a few short moments. (if they feel like crying la) and dont cry becos i died tragically or that i left my family behind etc etc. no no. they can take care of themselve la.

once, i know of a lady who wrote her own obituary. she is the wife of my fren. she was going for a risky operation and her chances were 50. she said she had lived a beautiful life and she is a flamboyant person, very showy, so she said her funeral must be a ball. she wrote all instructions for her husband. where and how to manage their household, their accounts, their kid's sch etc. who to invite for the funeral. yes. she was detailed. she is brave.

k-- shopping time. im gone shopping for MAC. yes. i want the whole set of make-up, im tired of my cheapo brands. tried, tested, failed. so..... look for solution la! try something else.
see you soon